Malec Anxiety
by RebeccaR97
Summary: Angsty one-shots about Malec. It's my way of putting panic attacks and anxiety down in words. It contains love, hurt, angst, curses etc. Rated M due to language.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclamer: I do not own anything, Cassandra Clare owns the characters.**

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 **Alec POV**

"Magnus, I'm going to bed" Alec said, leaning against the door frame.

"Mhm" Magnus answered, not looking up from his spell book.

"Are you coming?" Alec asked, knowing what the answer would be.

"Yes, I'll just be a minute" Magnus said, giving Alec a quick smile before turning back to his book.

Alec sighed, he knew what that meant, Magnus would be up all night working. He walked up to Magnus, placing a kiss on his cheek. "Goodnight" Alec said and walked out of the room.

Alec took as long as he could getting ready, brushing his teeth extra slow and walked to the bedroom as slowly as he could. When he finally got into the bed, he spent hours reading. He continued reading even after his eyes started to hurt. He always did this, trying to stay awake, hoping that Magnus would be done soon, he slept better with him.

 **Magnus POV**

He glanced at the clock on the wall. It was almost morning again and he hadn't gone to sleep yet. He yawned, he was really getting tired, but he had some more potions to do. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and focused, just an hour more, he thought as he started mixing the potions again. After only a few seconds he heard Alec scream from the bedroom. Magnus immediately stod up, knocking over the potions, something he didn't care about as he rushed towards the bedroom. He needed to check on Alec.

 **Alec POV**

He flew up, screaming, breathing heavily as he realized that it was just a dream. It didn't help much though, he was still shaking and felt like he couldn't get any air. His heart pounded so hard it felt like it would jump out of his chest. He drew up his knees to his chest and held his arms around them, putting his head between them, trying to breath, trying to stop shaking. He felt like crying or screaming, or both, but nothing happened, he just sat there gasping for breath and shaking. He buried his nails in the palm of his hand, trying to shift the pain. He just needed to feel something else, anything but this pressure on his chest.

"Alexander?!" he heard Magnus scream, he was probably on his way to the bedroom. Alec couldn't move, he couldn't answer. Still not getting enough air, still feeling like his heart would jump out of his chest. "What happened?" he heard Magnus again, this time he was closer. Alec still couldn't move or answer him.

He felt Magnus sittning down on the bed beside him, then he felt Magnus hand stroking his back. "A bad dream again?" Magnus asked, Alec tried to nod, not knowing if it actually worked, he tried to focus on Magnus hand stroking his back instead of thinking about not getting air and his heart beating.

"Remember to breath, Alexander" Magnus said as he moved a bit closer, still stroking Alecs back. "In through the nose and out through the mouth, remember?" he continued.

Alec hadn't remembered it, so he tried it. Focusing on taking a deep breath in through his nose, held it for a second, and then out through the mouth. Alec repeated that several times, each time feeling less strained. Magnus didn't say anything, he just stroked Alecs back and waited. They've been through this before, it happened from time to time. Alec had bad dreams about his brother Max's death, always about he himself being the one who killed him. He was aware that it was Sebastian that had killed his brother and that Sebastian was dead, but Alec still felt responsible. He was supposed to protect his brother that day and he'd failed. The dreams also brought back all the other times he'd failed the ones he love.

Finally his heart calmed down a bit and he could at last breath. He didn't feel suffocated and like he was dying anymore. He shifted his position so that he could bury his head in Magnus's chest. Magnus stopped stroking his back and held him, hugged him hard with his arms. Alec curled up against Magnus. This was Alec's safe place, the only place where he could truly relax, the only safe place in Alec's world. Still holding him, Magnus slowly laid down, Alec just followed his movements, he didn't have the energy to do anything.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Magnus asked, still stroking Alec's hair. Alec just shook is head, he really didn't want to talk about it, he just wanted to forget the image of Max's dead, cold and still body on the floor, forget how he held Max's heart in his hand. How he'd ripped it out. He knew it wasn't real, but that didn't take away the pain. He just wanted this all to end, the dreams, the guilt, the pain, everything. He had no idea what he would've done without Magnus, how he could carry on without him, to lay curled up in Magnus's arms was his only safe place. Alec pressed his face closer to Magnus, trying to focus on the scent of him, to force away the bad thoughts, the memories. For minutes they just laid there, Alec with his face buried in Magnus's chest and Magnus gently stroking Alec's hair. Then Alec realized that Magnus was still in the same clothes as he were when Alec went to bed. He hadn't gone to sleep yet, which means he was working.

"You can go back to work now, I'll be fine" Alec said and pushed away, putting all his strength in keeping a straight face, he even managed to force a smile.

"Alexander" Magnus said, cupping Alec's face with his hands, forcing Alec to look at him. "Nothing is more important than you, you're not fine and I won't leave you" he said, looking straight into Alec's eyes, Magnus eyes were tiered and worried, but as always they were filled with love.

Alec swallowed hard trying to convince Magnus he said "No, really, I'm fine" he really didn't want to get in the way of Magnus and his work, Alec wasn't important, certainly not the most important thing, at best he was in top 10. He knew that Magnus had potions to make, important and complicated potions.

"No, Alexander, you're not fine" Magnus said, still cupping Alec face with his hands. Against his will Alec felt the tears coming, he tried to hold them back but it was pointless, they started to fall down his cheek. Magnus wiped them away and pulled him closer again. Alec gave in, he couldn't force Magnus to do anything, he closed his eyes and moved as close as he could. Still not able to stop the tears, feeling how Magnus shirt got wet, he pulled back a bit.

Magnus kissed his forehead and whispered "I love you Alexander" before gently pushing back Alec's head against his chest. Alec couldn't answer, he felt how the air stopped filling his lungs again. He gasped for air. "Deep breaths" Magnus told him again.

He took a deep breath, in through the nose and out through the mouth. What had he done to deserve this amazing man? His safe place was the only reason he didn't give up. "I love you too" he whispered back as soon as the air returned.

They laid like that for hours, Magnus made sure he didn't fall asleep before Alec. To stop himself from falling asleep he played with Alecs messy hair, Magnus knew that this made Alec calm and helped himself to stay awake. When Alec finally fell asleep again, Magnus watched him for a while before falling asleep, just to make sure that Alec was fine.


	2. Run

**AN:** So, since I got this idea, and it's another angst fic I though I'd continue this story. Ish. They're not related, they're one-shots. But both are Malec. I think I'll try and write something where it's Alec who comforts Magnus, but I find it hard to write in Magnus's POV. But I'll try. Enjoy :)

 _ **SPOILER ALERT: CONTAINS INFORMATION FROM THE BOOKS. (Character death from 3rd book and how the 6th book ends)**_

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He ran. He didn't know where to, he just ran. He tried to outrun his demons. He tried to outrun his past. Maybe, just maybe if he ran fast enough, long enough, everything that hurt would go away, wouldn't be able to follow him. Maybe then he'll be free.

His legs burned and his face wet with tears. But nobody looked his way. Nobody cared. He'd deactivated his invisibility rune, hoping that maybe the mundanes would see him. Would care, say something, do something. But no, no-one care, they just looked away. If only they knew that he was their protector, that without his kind, without his suffering, they'd all be dead.

If the mundanes knew that his young brother, still just a child, had to sacrifice his life to protect them. Maybe they'd care. If they knew that all of Alec's pain was caused while trying to protect them. Maybe they'd care. But he doubted it.

He ignored the burning in his legs and pressed on. After all, it was what he'd been trained to do his whole life. He was trained to press, to perserve. To keep going until he died. But no-one taught him what to do when it wasn't a physical death. How do you handle emotional death?

He hadn't been able to save his brother, he hadn't been able to save his sister and he hadn't been able to save Magnus. No-one saved his brother and the others were saved by Simon. Simon who sacrificed everything he knew, everything he was, is, to save Magnus. And now, now his sister was hurting, his sister was the one who lost her love, it should've been him. How was he ever supposed to thank Simon? Simon who didn't even know that he'd saved the world, saved Alec, saved Izzy, saved Magnus. Saved everyone he loved, everyone he cared about, even if he destroyed Izzy's heart in the process.

Alec hated himself, he was too weak to lose Magnus so instead his sister lost Simon. Did she break? No, she pressed on, didn't give up hope. Would he? No, he was prepared to die with Magnus. Did he think of how that would effect Izzy? No, he was selfish and didn't want to live without Magnus. He was so stupid. He didn't do anything but hurt the ones he loved.

He couldn't breath. There wasn't enough air. But he pressed on, if he stopped everything he ran from would catch him. He wasn't ready to face anything, he didn't want to ever face it. He continued running through the streets of New York. He wiped away the tears with anger, he didn't deserve to cry, he didn't deserve the relief.

He stopped. He didn't deserve to escape. He deserved getting caught by all his demons. To let them devour him, kill him, torture him, that's what he deserved. So he stopped and he fell to his knees. He's giving up, he's just about to fall to the ground, the hard and cold ground, when he feels strong arms, a warm body, someone catching him.

"No" he whispered. He didn't deserve to be saved.

"Alexander, darling, it's okay" the voice belonged to the warm body, the strong arms holding him close.

"No" he whispered again. It wasn't okay. Nothing was okay, everything had turned to shit and he'd failed everyone. He'd failed saving the ones he loved, he was trained to save people but he'd failed, his whole life had been for nothing. His brother is dead and his sister heartbroken. He tried to pull away, he didn't deserve the warmth or the love but he failed, he wasn't strong enough. His body exhausted after all the running. Instead the arms pulled him closer, held him tighter.

"It's not your fault" the warm body, belonging to Magnus started to rock him slightly. He gave in, he was weak, he let Magnus comfort him, he buried his face in the other man's chest, breathing him in.

"We'll get Simon back, Izzy is going to be fine, she's strong" Magnus continued. Alec wasn't so sure, he had no hope in getting Simon back, in getting him to remember. However he knew that Izzy was strong, she'd always been strong, stronger than him.

"No-one blames you Alexander, you're not a bad guy, nothing of this is your fault" Magnus continued to comfort Alec. "Now, please, let's go home"

Alec nodded in Magnus's chest as he watched him open a portal, when Alec was about to stand up he felt Magnus lift him up, carrying him in his arms as he stepped to the portal. He wanted to protest, but he didn't have any energy left, he felt absolutely empty, of everything, the only thing he felt was exhaustion. When they entered the loft he whispered "I should shower" into Magnus shoulder. He knew that he was sweaty and probably smelled like shit. He didn't feel like showering, didn't think he had the energy to manage it.

"hm" Magnus simply said as he snapped his fingers "there, why have a warlock boyfriend if you can't use his magic every now and then" Magnus put Alec down in their bed, careful as if he might break. Too bad he was already broken, smashed into little pieces. He felt himself starting to shake, his body and mind was exhausted. He'd been running for hours, he'd run miles, just running around the streets of New York, crying, thinking, losing his mind. He had tried to outrun his demons, but it was pointless, unlike real demons you couldn't outrun them and you can't kill them. You'll have to learn to live with them, he didn't know if he would be able to do that. But he knew he had no choice, dying would mean hurting Izzy more, hurting Magnus, failing his loved ones even more. Not to talk about how it would effect Jace, is parabatai, his brother. It would kill him. No, Alec didn't have the luxury of giving up. He had to press on, he had to live with the fact that he'd failed everyone he loved. That it was his fault that Max was dead.

Suddenly, he felt arms around him again, strong arms, a warm body. The arms pulled him closer and he was too tiered to fight it, he wanted to, didn't feel like he deserved it, but he just couldn't get himself to protest. Once again, he buried his face in Magnus chest, absorbing his warmth, taking in his smell, the familiar smell that was Magnus. He felt Magnus rub circles on his back, he knew there was magic flowing out of Magnus fingertips, making him calm down, making him relax and feel at peace. Wiping away all the anxiety inside him, making him even more tiered. He hadn't slept for far too long, he'd been up all night on parol, he'd probably been awake for over 24 hours. He tried to fight the sleep. Didn't feel like he deserved it, didn't feel like dreaming, he almost wished that he would have nightmares. That he would be tortured in his dreams too. But Magus probably used some magic to stop them. He wanted to tell him not to, to pull away, he just couldn't. He was weak. Always so fucking weak, he thought as he felt sleep embrace him.


End file.
